u can't turn back..once u moved on...

it has been more than 8 months since i touched my blog ya...saw the recent photo of me...hee...i used my friend's phone to take one....nice??? for this particular blog....i should put a sad face indeed ya...but guess what....beneath that smiles...were tears....someone said that i was cute in the pic...maybe i was....anyway....i met a very nice friend...he has been by my side whenever i needed a shoulder to cry on..especially the night i broke up with william...i guess....i hurt my friend somehow..and i'm really sorry...but i still love u as a friend ya....anyway...the blogged that i have done in multiply will need access but he was interested in...so i am going to copy and paste on to here....

There's alot of ppl who asked me to put a full stop in the relationship, but how many know that I wished that it was a comma all along. How many know that I wanted this comma to settle my life well and walked the rest of my life with the one whom I always loved and gave, till the day God decided to put the full stop for me.

Yes, indeed my life was full of ups and downs, and my life was in a total mess before I broke up with him. I wanted the cool off which turned out to be a breakup, to settle myself properly. I cannot deny that there was this guy who has been waiting for me, caring for me and making sure I was fine and not hurt by my own boyfriend. But I guess in life, not everything turns out the way you hoped it will be.

Finally I settled everything with the very nice guy, but someone who wanted the cool off didn't wait for me. He left and moved on to the next destination, but I couldn't bear to leave the station. I loved the station, I did my best to renovate, upgrade buy more furnitures for the station. The station may have changed, but the memories still live in it. It didn't change in heart, it grew in heart, but a simple hoarding makes the passengers feel that it was a closed down of the station. Thanks to assumptions.

The upgrading have been done, many trains stopped by, but why that particular train did not. I told myself not to make advertisements, not to do promotions, and not to make a big hoo haa of the reopen stationed coz I always thought, if the train love to stop at the station, it will come back to check on it, but I guess, there was a better station out there, or maybe the railway tracks always seem more refreshing.

I have always been a cheerful person, love to laugh from the bottom of my heart. Enjoying every moment in life, but I realise, my talent reveal itself. Being a dramatist have always been a dream, but it wasn't a dream of being a dramatist in the real life.

I'm very tired of trying to get back together. I wanted to ask him that one question, 'Do you still want to be with me?' but I'm always afraid to see the answer. Whenever I really tried to get that answer through many other ways, he got this talent of evading the subject.

I wanted to cry to someone becoz I dun want to cry alone every nite, but no one was there to just hear me cry. I wanted to tell my friends how tired I have been, how hard I have tried but it seems pointless. That someone still can say he can feel more love from me, I wanted to ask, wat's the meaning of that. Some friends asked me why didn't I try to get back, some asked me to put a full stop, some asked me to moved on, some asked but they got distracted by other things and can't be bothered.

It always feel silly when you trying taking a bus to work and back with tears in your eyes. It always feel silly think about the past and thinking, why did everything happened like this? Was it all my fault? Was I wrong in finding more happiness, more attention and more love?
I think I feel even more silly of trying to get back with someone who had moved on. I dunnoe how to face him. Everytime we hang out together, I either ended up crying in the washroom in the middle of the date or reaching home crying. I dun even noe how I could hid my tears while I was his block downstairs or even at his place. I dun even noe how to control my tears whenever I hear songs that remind me of him.

I avoided vitagens, I avoided JJ's doujiangyoutiao, I avoided taking MRT passing by Bugis then to City Hall, I avoided taking bus no.9, I avoided going to Bedok interchange alone, I avoided passing by TP, I avoided going to arcade, I avoided going to Pasir Ris Park, I scared of buying chuanbeipipagao...and many more...

I wanted to hate him....hate him for his guts...hate him for not being initiative at the rite time...hate him for moving on and i'm still staying on and hoping...hate him for what he has done and not do....

And come to think about it..how many ppl will actually read my long journal and come rite till the end of it...maybe just maybe i have let out every single thing in my heart...and i dunnoe if you are reading it, if you were, what are your reactions, what are your feelings? say truthfully, I would rather hear you say I really dun want to be with you coz I dun love you anymore...maybe I would feel better then....

but I really want to thank you for tolerating all my nonsense...and I never stop loving you...and i am still hoping the day u ask me to come back to you..till the day u tell me tat we are impossible and u dun love me anymore...till tat day i really promise myself to keep my mouth shut...and...really never never tok abt it again...

i guess....today...i am going to keep my blog just like this....not going further ya...nitez...